Live in Balance: Slowing down, because I had to

The fist in the stomach

Pencil drawing in process

Do you feel overwhelmed sometimes? To be honest, it doesn't actually happen to me. I know where I am going with my life, and I have faith that there is Someone in control of everything, including my life.
But sometimes the odd feeling of everything being too much pops into my head. It isn't something that I am comfortable with, and neither do I like it. But it is there, brooding in the subconsciousness of my thoughts. The difficulty of this subconscious awareness is how to deal with it.
It cannot be reasoned away. Or can it? I am not sure. Neither do I know what sparked this problem in the first place. Was it just the coming together of all the things in my life, or did something happen (even something I am unaware of) that started this downhill trend?
But my bigger issue is to deal with it because it could become too much or too big, or too something.

Retreat and reassess

It has taken me a while, becoming aware of this. You know how you talk to people and they ask you how you are? My answer usually depends on how well I know someone or how likely they are at gossiping. It would hardly be a good idea to confide in someone only to have one's personal issues traveling through the grapevine the next day.
Even this simple question 'how are you?' posed by a friend, didn't raise this matter in my mind. The niggling was there, and it wasn't until this past Friday that the niggle became an awareness at a higher conscious level.
I haven't been writing much, not even in my journal and I began to wonder if that was the reason for it? My writing, including my fiction projects, have been such a part of my life becoming so ingrained into the way I define myself as a human being.
Was the lack of words to be blamed for this feeling of too much? Did I put too much pressure on myself with my Live in Balance goals, that my creativity had dried up? Just the thought that it might be the case, makes my hair turn grey despite the exotic colour job.

Distract to conquer

I don't believe in writer's block, but something had to be done, and fast. I have a novel that I need to finish editing, and since I had to make a major change at the start of the story, there is some rewriting required as a result of this. Not writing is simply not on!
So I fell back into my comfort zone, my plan B if you like: I read. I read three full-length novels in two and a half days.
I really pulled my security blanket close on this one, foregoing several hours of sleep, to read three books by my favourite author, Maya Banks. Now, you have to understand, I stopped binge reading a long time ago, but this was an emergency to distract my brain and hopefully conquer this feeling of being overwhelmed.
I don't need a lot of sleep so I cannot forego even half an hour of that, because of the way it disrupts my life. But I did. And I am going to pay the price for that in the coming days.
But did it solve the problem? 

The glass may be half-empty, but there's space for vodka

I wouldn't lie and say to you that I am madly writing words in my journal or my novel, but there is a light in the distance. Reason for celebration? That's why the vodka. Or maybe I should have thought of another analogy, I rarely drink alcohol. It's early days yet.
What I do know is that my creative juices did not dry up. I started drawing and spent most of the weekend doing that. Pencil drawings require a lot of time and patience, but those hours of drawing brought a smile to my face and a lightness to my mind.
Art may be on my Live in Balance goals for this year, but I deliberately forewent the need to attach a target to it. And that was my saving grace, I think. Something I can do, spend time with and yet, just enjoy the process without adding more stress to myself.

I learned another lesson this week: I love writing, but I should stop putting so much pressure on myself to perform. I may not have had a block, but it would be good to remember that to Live in Balance requires more than the completion of a novel in record time.

Until next week!

Live in Balance: A matter of choice

I finally figured it out

As I got onto the scale Sunday, yesterday, morning, I had been less apprehensive than all the previous times this year. Not because I knew I lost another kilogram, I didn't, but I realised that I got this weight-loss thing sorted. I knew exactly where I went wrong during the week, and why my weight was exactly the same as last week.

So the week ahead is already planned out, and the goal for the week - dropping 1 kg - is in the bag. I just have to do the things I planned, including finishing reading a book I promised to review. More about that later.

What is interesting, though, is when you tell someone you are busy working on losing weight everyone and his friend has the world's advice to give to you. Do this diet or do more squats, or fast.

I ignored all their advice since I know what my medical and physical issues are and no matter how well intended, people just don't know what will or won't work for me. But the fasting thing threw me for a loop.

Fasting - really?

I am familiar with the concept but in a religious or spiritual environment. I know of friends that have fasted to gain clarity or to seek answers for a problem they struggle with, but fasting to me has never even entered the realm of losing weight.

On a personal note: no matter what my religious beliefs are, I cannot fast. The risk is too high that I can pass out, due to blood sugar issues. Since I drive where I want to be, safety cannot be ignored.

Now, I did read about fasting diets, purely to understand why someone would do such a thing and how it would work. Some of the article writers mentioned that they entered a once-a-week fasting regime - no food for 24 hours - to help them gain focus and to be more creative. This to me made sense - while it might not be for a spiritual reason, the fasting process helped them to address an issue in their lives. Only they could say if it really made a difference or not.

I choose the sensual pleasures every time

Source: www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/category/healthy

The people who were fasting for weight-loss baffled me. If you could be disciplined enough to forego all food for 24 hours, once or some even twice a week, why can't you be disciplined enough to follow a healthy, calorie-restricted diet every day of the week?

There are many studies, and websites, that tell you that you can learn a new behaviour (or fix an old one) in a matter of 20 to 30 days. So why deny yourself the sensual pleasure of food, for the sake of losing weight? You have to eat, there is, unfortunately, no getting away from that if you want to be alive and healthy.

No matter what they tell you about not over compensating the next day, or binging on chocolate after denying yourself, does a more balanced approach not sound more attainable? And more rewarding over the long term?

I don't know. While some of the medically based studies say there is no health risk to fasting one or even two days a week, to me the denial of such a basic need seems contrary to the human experience of life. But that's just me.

Adapt or die trying?

To honest, I haven't changed my mind on my weight-loss regime, and nor am I likely to. I had a good hard look at my behaviour around and attitude towards food. I found what was wrong, and I am working on correcting that. Will it happen overnight? It hasn't so far, but 6 weeks into my Live in Balance goals, and I know that I am doing better than any previous attempt to do the same.

It is not up to me to tell you what you should do if you want to follow a weight-loss plan, or getting into shape plan, or writing a book for that matter.

What I do suggest is that you:

• decide first on what you want to achieve,
• figure out what of your own behaviour is standing in your way,
• and how you are going to hold yourself accountable in working to achieve that goal.

The hard choices will come

Make no mistake, nothing worth striving for will come without sacrifice. But if you want it bad enough, no sacrifice can be too great to achieve it. And you don't have to do it on your own. Whatever you want to do this year, there at least ten other people who want to do the same. Find them in your area, on Facebook, or at work, and join forces to help and support each other. Achievement of a goal is so much sweeter when you can share them with people who have been with you on that journey every step of the way.

I wish you only success with your journey!

Live in Balance: Week 6 - taking stock

Stuck in a rut

We often step back to take stock of our lives: work, time spent with family, the future, retirement, and so on. But this past week I wondered if we do that often enough, or do we wait too long to consider where we stand? Do we wait until it is too late to make a course correction, or even a complete change in direction?

Even if you are happy with yourself and your achievements, shouldn't you too just take a moment or two to take stock?

Creative people are more prone to awareness of stagnating, or procrastinating in their art or craft. They get frustrated, or blocked or give up when that seemingly insurmountable obstacle is preventing them from moving forward. We are constantly being bombarded with media and psychological imperatives that if you are not moving forward, you are digging yourself deeper into a rut. But should you be moving forward at that point in time? And how do you know when is the right time?

Stop - right now!

It is the start of a new month and I think a good time to spend a few minutes considering where I am on my Live in Balance goals. Am I on track? Where do I need to have a relook at a specific goal, or adjust the target?

I spent that time today, Sunday, and assessed my progress on my five primary goals. And surprisingly two of them are exactly on track (weight-loss and word count), while I could definitely spend more time looking at how I spend my time on my art projects.

The step counter and Tai Chi activities suffered a setback when I injured a ligament in my left hip. I can walk okay, but many other physical activities are pushing my pain boundary just a touch too much. It is already feeling better, but I will need to be careful for a while still.

The last, the number of books read, was a surprise too. Then again, I have always read a lot, although I have not kept track of the number of books read in a month as I am doing now.

While most of my goals seem to be on track, my efforts to keep them there need to be reinforced. When it comes to weight-loss, it is much easier said than done - and the graphs show that.

For February there will be baby steps

Having a weight-loss graph going up and down is not a good thing, so I need to focus on a slow by steady loss approach. With the month ahead having four weeks (four Sundays) my target will be another 2 kilograms.

Francois and I attended the opening night of an art exhibition at ArtBox on Saturday. We spoke to the artist and while doing so I realised that I have been spreading myself too thin. I want to try every technique and play around with all mediums, and that could be part of the problem that I am not spending my time on my art projects productively. That will change.

This month I will focus primarily on urban sketching. I already have the materials I need and have taken a few more photographs to help with the ideas I have.

My writing targets are split into two: editing Waiting for Adrian, and writing a story that has no title at present. In numbers that translate to roughly 50 hours of editing and 20 000 words of writing.

Baby steps this month.

Looking further ahead

When the artist we chatted to mentioned that she had made a change in direction in her art, it got me thinking about taking stock in one's life. Maybe going forward is not always the answer. Sometimes it requires a complete change in direction to get going again.

And that is where I think my art is at this point. I need to do the urban sketching and then decide if that is my way forward. Or do I need to change direction before I get stuck in that rut of digging myself deeper instead of recognising that change is required before the rut sets in?

Time will tell, but now I am on the lookout for those signs of frustration and procrastination that will warn me that change might be imminent.

Live in Balance: when do I give up?

When do you give up? I mean, sometimes something is not meant to happen and no matter how hard you fight, or how much effort or money you put into it, it was not going to happen.
I have reached the point where I am ready to just give up. For weeks now I have been battling with mobile phone service providers to get a new phone. Sure I could have taken any model, but I had my heart set on the iPhone 7+ after Samsung had the problem with the Note 7. And for some reason, the universe is conspiring against me.

The first company I signed with, could for the life of me not get my old number ported to the new phone. After thirteen days I gave up, cancelled the contract and returned the handset, barely used. I think the only calls I made were to their customer service center asking about the status of my request to have the number ported. So I gave up and tried another.
Then on Tuesday, I thought my misery had ended. Given the history of the last few weeks, I should have known better. My contract was approved (the legal part) and when I enquired about the status of my phone (I still need to get the handset), I was told their internet connection is down due to cable theft. Welcome to the new South Africa!
Okay, that is not a new problem, but what about the days before that?
This past Thursday had been a week since I signed the necessary paperwork. You think I would have had a new phone by now!
Update: It is Sunday evening and guess what? No phone. I am so tired of the incompetence of people that I am almost at the point where I am going to tell to f*ck themselves. I spoke to the network operator, and it should not take more than 2 hours to port the number. So what the hell is their problem? *taking deep breaths*

On a more positive note (and I am really trying to hang on to something that won't give me a heart attack) is that I have managed a few thousand words this past week. No lightning strikes or epiphanies, only sitting down and getting the words down on a new story. The first chapter is done, and chapter two well on its way.
Come editing time I might swap them around, but for now, the words are written, and that is the most important thing. While I have been contemplating this story for a long time, the opening, getting it started, had always been a concern. Without a good start, the story would not be anything more than a bunch of fluffy words and fluff has never done it for me.
So with some positive attitude shining through the cracks of my mobile phone miseries, week 4 was off to a better start than the previous week. Hey, I even managed to get my butt moving doing more than walking and climbing stairs so far. Not that stair climbing isn't exercise, but doing it in work shoes cannot be considered a workout. Stair climbing at work is an exercise in safety, not sweat.

With the writing, and a little exercise, and a sketch or two, I managed to keep my sanity intact. I just wish I could say the same for my digital communication channels.
Plan B, or should I say Plan C, is already in place. The question that I need to answer is how long am I going to give these guys before I cancel the contract with them?

And so week 5 is underway...

Live in Balance: The failure of week 3

While eating my breakfast of soy yogurt and a white peach on Friday morning, I realised that this week was fast becoming a miserable failure. Even this post is a result of the week of frustration and misery. My head is usually spinning with ideas to write about - writing about art, and Tai Chi, and even my weight-loss struggles - but not this week. In a 'down' week I tended to read more too. Devouring two to three novels in one week would not be an unusual occurrence. But not this week.

Week 3 of my year to Live in Balance, has just been seven days of failures. Let me list them for you, just in case you are thinking that I might be exaggerating:
1.   I did not write a single word - aside from this post, and about 800 words (for the whole week!) in my journal. Journal writing is something I love, but even this week that didn't happen so much.
Sunday update: Our writers' group has a word count challenge this evening. I plan to start week 4 with at least 1000 words on a new story.

2.   While excited about the delivery of the white gel pens, drawing pens and special paper for charcoal drawing that I ordered online, I have yet to open the packaging of the paper. I did write a few words with a drawing pen to get a feel for it, but that does not constitute art even in its simplest form - not even a stick figure was drawn!
3.   The bane of my existence - trying to lose weight - was an equal frustrating battle between the calories and my willpower. No prizes on who won that battle. Since it is Friday now, and I will only weigh myself again on Sunday, the news cannot be good given what I have done. The best I could hope for at this point is a zero loss, zero gain outcome.
Sunday update after the weigh-in: the news is not good. All the hard work of week 1 and 2 has been undone. Something to be grateful for: that I didn't gain more kilos than where I started from. But yeah, it is back to square one.

4.   As with doing more T'ai Chi? Well, I was a bad, bad girl. Nary a form did my body practice this week. Good thing I decided to have a T'ai Chi weekend, like I do art weekends, huh? Maybe by the time this post is ready to be posted to my blog on Sunday evening, I can report a more positive outcome. *holding thumbs*
Sunday morning update on my plan: no T'ai Chi. Although after my battle on Saturday with two desks, I think a good hour or so of practice might be the answer to the aching muscles in my back.

While I didn't expect smooth sailing on my Live in Balance goals, I really hoped it wouldn't have happened so soon, and be such an epic occurrence. On the other hand, now that it did happen, I came to the decision that should it happen again (and it will) I need to focus on one goal for the week. Only one. While the end-result might still be an overall sense of failure, there will also be a sense of achievement to help keep me motivated.

"2017 New Year’s Resolutions: The Most Popular and How to Stick to Them,” by Nicole Spector. NBCNews.com. 

Do you have weeks like this? Please tell me in the comments what you do to get your game back on.

Live in Balance: Are they the right goals for me?

With most of my colleagues back at work with me, we invariably chat about the holidays and that conversation then rolls around to New Years' resolutions. I usually listen with an attentive ear, not only because I can learn something but it is hard not to sympathize with some of their issues.
I might have mentioned it, about a million times or so, that I work in a very stressful environment. Most people have stress in their lives that follow a wave-like pattern - up and down, up and down. Meaning that the stress only occurs as peaks over a small time period: financial year end, completing a product for delivery, and so on.

In my case, the level of stress never subsides. There are even higher peaks at certain times (almost every month), but the pressure never lets up. While it is a supercharged and exciting industry to work in, it takes a heavy toll on people, myself included.
To get back to my original point, New Years' resolutions in our lives can get drowned out in the noise of this kind of stress. A colleague mentioned that he decided to do something different this year since he barely made it through the last one. It is nothing odd or stupid, but he knew that the plan of last year was not good enough, so he had to change it.
And that is exactly the thing we often forget to do: sit back, reassess our goals of the past. Did they work? Did they achieve what we wanted them to do?
Most people are concerned about sticking to their goals for the year. I think there are many cases where people stick to their goals but feel just as frustrated or unhappy as those people who didn't stick to their goals. Could it be that the List, those New Years' resolutions, were the wrong goals to begin with?
Sure, there are lots of advice available on how to stay motivated. How to find out what motivates you to stick to those lovely goals you set for yourself. There is nothing wrong with that advice if you start off in the right place.

Why would putting losing weight as a goal (yeah, I have that on my Live In Balance list too!) be the wrong thing for you? Could it be that the thing you need to fix has nothing to do with your body weight, but more to do with the reasons you gained weight in the first place?
Boredom? Broken relationships? Depression? To name but a small number of reasons. Shouldn't you rather spend more time in figuring out on what the real reason is and then making that the issue you need to focus on?
It took me a long time to figure out that my problem is boredom. I don't need a lot of sleep and tend to snack after dinner to make my nights shorter. The problem is not the time of day that we have dinner, it's the snacking.
Doing mundane things bores me to tears - and I put household chores at the top of that list. I love cooking but detest washing up. And no, a dishwasher is not a solution to that problem, since it still requires work from a human - loading and unloading. I dumped the unloading part on my husband's shoulders. Needless to say, the list is long and dull. So if you expect a meticulous house when visiting me, you will be disappointed. Dust bunnies and the odd spider or gecko live very harmoniously with us until I do get around to cleaning and vacuuming. At least the geckos are smart enough to make a run for it before they get vacuumed!

Before I wrote this post, I had another look at my Live in Balance list, and at first glance it is overwhelming. But knowing my personal issues with boredom, it is probably a good thing. If I can keep myself occupied with things I love - reading, writing, sketching, painting, Tai Chi practice - then my weight-loss efforts might be less of a struggle.
While I was writing this post, I realised that by writing about my issues also helps to keep me motivated. As someone who has been struggling with being overweight my whole life, I need as much motivation and conviction as I can muster at this point.

It is the start of week 3 and so far so good. Are you still on track to achieving your goals for 2017?

And the debate on diet vs exercise rages on. Click to read more...

Live in Balance: Daily Choices

It always amazes me that once you decide to either do or work at something, information about that subject seems to pop up everywhere. From my mailing lists to articles shared by online friends - living a life in balance or harmony suddenly appeared to be the flavour of the week.

Live in Balance 2017

I am not complaining, quite the contrary. Seeing all this information, or experiences shared by others, work well to inspire me to keep working at it. Of course, it is early days, but reading about good intentions versus commitment, can be a good starting place. A place that helps to get (and keep) my head in the right place and on track towards my goals.
I am not sure that we actually learn from the mistakes or the experiences of other people. Many people are of the opinion that we read about others' experiences (good or bad) and yet deep down still think that we won't make the same mistake even if we make the same choices. I am no expert in human behaviour, but from what little I understand of the world, I have to agree.
Take smoking or alcohol as examples. There is no way that people who smoke or drink excessively cannot be aware of the consequences of their actions unless they live in a hole somewhere and then at least they won't hurt anybody else with their choices. But the information is there. People who have rehabilitated themselves from these bad habits, share their stories to anyone who wants to listen, and still, the number of smokers is on the increase. And the same can be said of alcoholism.
Please understand I am in no position to judge but didn't they make a choice at some point in their lives to use these dangerous substances? Or do they choose not to seek help to stop once they have become addicted?
So if we don't learn from mistakes made by others, and we persist in living down the rabbit hole, what do we have to do to break these chains around our own minds? Is it simply a choice, or is there something more?
I think the first step is the choice, but it shouldn't end there. All choices to change something in ourselves or our circumstances will come with sacrifices. And therein lies the fundamental reason why we continue to live doing the wrong things to ourselves or others.
Why it is so easy to slip back to old habits?
No one likes sacrifices. No one will choose pain. So why should you?
Why should I?
Why did I choose to lose weight? Or do more art? Or write the equivalent of three novels in one year?
Doing art and writing provides me with a lot of satisfaction, and pleasure even, but the sacrifices still have to be made. To be honest, I have been writing for sixteen years now, and I don't miss the one thing I decided to sacrifice to make the time to do so: watching TV. Taking up art again, was simply another creative activity I added to please myself.
Losing weight, on the other hand, is not that simple. The choice is easy: I stick up my hand and say 'I do', but this choice comes with both sacrifice and pain. Trust me, I will avoid pain as far as I can. So what now?
It is early days. And my will-power when it comes to the temptation of food and snacking is anything but strong. I don't know if I will make my target. I don't know how difficult it is going to get.

Live in Balance 2017

What I do know is that if I don't learn from the mistakes made by others, or heed the advice of those that went before me, I could end up killing myself. If that is not something that scares you into commitment, trust me, it sure as hell scared the living daylights out of me.
So here I stand at the beginning of week 2 of my year to Live in Balance. My bravery of before is seriously lacking right now. What I do have is the choice to do this today. And choose to do this tomorrow. And when I get to the day after, I will have to make the choice again. Pain and sacrifice now. So that a month or three from now, I can continue making these same choices, perhaps with more bravery and less pain. And if I can manage to make this choice enough times, the pain will go away and so will the threat to my health and ultimately my life. So I choose the pain, today.

Advice from other writers on getting better at writing https://www.grammarly.com/blog/experts-on-writing-better/