Mindfulness Week: Flow state by Melissa Adendorff

When I started to think about how to engage with this topic, I wanted to bring my personal experience into it, because it is practically valuable and I use it daily, but I also wanted to speak about it on a more formal level, because it is a practical tool that has promise in terms of the wellbeing of vocational dancers. This is my current research focus, and I deal with it in practice as an NLP practitioner, but I also deal with it in the studio where I dance every day. My focus is on mindfulness in terms of performativity and bodily esteem … which culminated in tremendous personal triumphs, and highlighted a professional challenge second to none.

To contextualise this, technically, I’ve been researching the specific value of a preventative intervention in terms of body-esteem which addresses the prevalence of the development of anorexia nervosa and anorexia athletica in the vocational ballet community, in addition to this community’s propensity to normalise pain in order to achieve a higher standard of technique execution despite the increased risk of injury and increased anxiety around the ballet class experience, as reported in 33 peer-reviewed studies conducted between 1966 and 2013, including a study conducted in the South African context (Arcelus, Witcomb, & Mitchell, 2014).

And I could do only do this research because of my personal investment in ballet and my own ballet body, and that makes the research process mindful in itself, because I work in the liminal space between objectivity and subjectivity, and it allows me to take care with my analyses and applications of my learnings.

Now, while I’m wary of labels, if I have to put a name to the thing that got me here, it would be “mindfulness” … but I prefer to call it “flow”.

I like to call it “flow” because there’s a continuity to this state that moves through every one of my areas of function, from academics, to dancing, to work, to diet, to sleep hygiene, and my post-operative recovery, and it combines an awareness with a motive and an action, leading to a motion toward an achievable goal.

I started working with my personal flow state just after a knee surgery in 2018. For a while, my flow state meant straightening my leg, and focusing ALL of my attention and energy into just performing that act, in that moment. And then doing it again.

And, as hard as it may be to believe that, looking at me now (not to be boastful, but I’ve made quite a bit pf progress in just over a year), that took ALL of my focus and willpower and determination and motivation and drive and vision. To do something so simple.

I did not want to do the leg-straightening, because it was tremendous effort and tremendously painful. But, flow isn’t necessarily about wanting to do a thing, because desire and motivation invariably peter out.

Flow has a discipline component, and that’s why flow, or mindfulness is so valuable in ballet, because with awareness, I learn my limits, and I learn which limits I can push safely and which limits to respect … and this has filtered into my life in general – changing careers, studying again (after attaining a PhD), and going back to an active pursuit wherein I feel at home, and yet so out of place.

My flow state helped me make ballet home again …

That said, when I started this dancing endeavour, it required a lifestyle overhaul. Primarily because I set a lofty goal of passing vocational levels … Vocational levels are distinguished from general graded levels as Intermediate Foundation through to Advanced Level Two are internationally recognised tertiary-level qualifications which are strictly examined through structured assessments recognised by the United Kingdom’s Regulated Qualifications Framework (Royal Academy of Dance, 2016) allowing for workplace entry as professional dancers, teachers, and choreographers. These exams are serious, and attaining a vocational grade is a big deal.

Vocational dancing requires a rather surprising time sacrifice, and it requires daily effort, in terms of learning the syllabus, performing the syllabus adequately, conditioning, strengthening, and incorporating the RAD’s “CCCLSD” as a mindful component to all dancing practice (correct placement and posture, control, coordination, line, spatial awareness and engagement, and dynamics). This couples with dietary effort, to find the balance between sustenance, satisfaction, and performativity, and still working on building a dancer’s body and deconstructing the body that I had worked with until that point ... And that was hard for me, but again a flow state regarding food made it possible …

Now, I have heavy muscles, so going by the number on the scale, my achievement is not really anything to brag about, but I have managed to transform my shape from a bulky martial artist to that of dancer, moving from a bulkier build to leaner muscles, even if they are still heavy, and dropping three-ish dress sizes in about 18 months … this was also not what I wanted to do, because I am the embodiment of an emotional eater, and yet, with awareness, and discipline, and flow, I’ve been able to maintain a 500 calorie deficit every day since February last year.

It helps that with intensive training, I burn enough calories that I’m not starved and miserable, I’m just keenly aware that a slice of white bread slathered in butter and covered with another layer of peanut butter (that has both salt and sugar) and syrup, while delicious, would throw all my progress out of kilter, and flow keeps me on kilter. Because I can have a banting treat, which turns out is pretty good when it’s all you choose to have.

And this is important, because I still have an “other” ballet body … (Now I have done rather extensive research into the issue of the ballet body, eating behaviours, and the pressure of performativity, and I am working alongside the organisers of the South African International Ballet Competition and its International Ballet Intensive to address this within the next year). A whole other novel aspect of an other ballet body is my tattoo collection (that’s a story for another day), which I got to feature here with a smile alongside Taras Domitro (a spectacular dancer from Cuba).

This bit might get a little bit technical, again, but the technicality matters, and brings back the flow of personal discipline and personal achievements.

The culture of ballet discriminates against any body which does not fit its predetermined idea. (Nolan, 2011). This ideal is based on the aesthetic qualities of being physically slight and slim, with a long neck, a shorter torso, long legs which are not hyperextended or hyperflexible, long arms which are not overly muscular, and feet with sloping toes and high insteps.

Any deviation from this ideal potentially risks breaking the body line. Any body of any race will face discrimination if that body is perceived as “big” (Campbell, 2018), because while the bigger ballet body may be technically proficient, it breaks the body line and the line of the corps. This has a similar effect on the bigger ballet dancer as it has for the black ballet dancer where the perception of the “wrongness of body shape” affects the person’s worth in terms of her dancer identity (Campbell, 2018). Olivia Campbell (2018) explains that not being thin and slight enough leads to severe embarrassment and humiliation when a smaller, but less technically proficient dancer would have a successful audition, while a bigger dancer is rejected. This ultimately impacts the individual’s self-concept, as it renders her feeling that she is not good enough because of her anatomy (Campbell, 2018). 

Without flow, I would lose myself in the ideal, and while I have done a lot to reshape my fighter’s body into a ballet body, it is not within the ambit of the preferred aesthetic. And yet, I maintain my flow, and work with my body, because it has achieved so much in a short time, and it dances en pointe and turns and jumps and looks beautiful in flow state on the stage … and maintaining a positive bodily esteem is necessary for a healthy self-concept, and while mine is not quite perfect, it is healthier now than it has been in a long time, and that keeps me motivated to stay healthy in my body, while it is on display in a leotard and tights every day of the week.

And that is maintained by flow, because I can’t know what goes on in anyone else’s self-concept and bodily esteem, so there is no point comparing, especially in the ballet environment where competition comprises height (and, I shit you not, knee circumference).

On that, here is another technical bit, but one that mindfully contextualises why mindfulness (or flow) around bodily esteem is so important …

The positive subjective appraisal of one’s appearance (Smolak & Thompson, 2009) is vital for sustained wellbeing of an individual’s dancing practice, as the dancer’s body is contextually constructed from childhood into an embodied identity, based on public bodily presentation and “performativity” (Pickard, 2015, p. 8). This bodily construction forms the basis of stress-management and performance-management in vocational dance, as the discipline of ballet, and the habits of the ballet community, the necessary commitment to ballet practice necessary to pass vocational levels, and the competition within the ballet community to attain recognition from instructors, company directors, examiners, and choreographers create pressure to function within the meritocracy of the ballet community (Pickard, 2015).

This especially pertains to adolescent dancers, as the adolescent’s identity as a ballet dancer is in the process of determination while he/she undergoes physical, cognitive, and psychological development during puberty, all while being exposed to criticism and scrutiny (Pickard, 2015) by teachers, examiners, and directors in the attempt to construct a proficient vocational dance body.

What does this amount to? Research suggests that working with a foundational practice of mindfulness in dance, and the lifestyle surrounding dance, allows for healthy holistic development … 

Sensory acuity and physical self-awareness of proficiency and general physical wellbeing (Linkenauger, Wong, Guess, Stefanucci, McCulloch, Bülthoff, Mohler, & Proffitt, 2015) are required in correlation with emotional self-awareness in order to manage the stress and discipline of the ballet curriculum (that’s a lot of technical language for “flow”). This requires awareness in terms of subjective distress, pain, anxiety, and the behaviours which are engaged in order to manage these emotions and sensations (Pickard, 2015). Based on this awareness, it is possible to create skillsets around accurate self-assessment (Nadler, 2011) in order to allow the individual to check-in with herself/himself and to prevent harmful coping mechanisms from being reinforced, especially in terms of preventing the normalisation of pain, and the normalisation of restrictive dieting to meet the balletic aesthetic requirements.

Flow keeps me going in a class where I am seen to be in competition with every other dancer on the floor (and every other dancer is at least 15 years my junior, in peak physical condition, and good), because when I focus on myself and my technique, I am able to count my victories. After an ACL reconstruction and meniscus debridement, in August 2018, I have managed to master a vocational syllabus to the point that I can be put up for examination. And pass. At 33, with an older and a little bit of a broken body (there have been ankle injuries and some noodle ligaments, and other bits that don’t really work as well as they used to), and I have to keep sight of what is “my” good, and my accomplishments. Every day.

If I didn’t do that, ballet would become unbearable, because of the nature of the beast that is the hypercompetitive world of vocational dance. 

My daily flow follows this basic trajectory … consistent time in getting up and a set morning routine – If I have a morning class, then I start the day with a stretching and limbering routine because my leg struggles to get going sometimes, and I have a breakfast that I know will keep me going ill lunch time, even if I am dancing. Whether I’m dancing, working, or going to an academic class, my discipline remains the same – and the flow is in the discipline. I don’t deviate from the plan, but the plan remains flexible. From ballet, I either go to work, or to an academic class, and then back to the studio, and again, I am disciplined in this. I don’t feel like it every day, but I know the benefit of following through. So I do, and I make progress, and hat keeps me flowing. And then I come home, and spend the quality time that I have left with my fiancé and the cats, and I sleep, and I get up and I do it again. It’s is a simple routine, but it is full, and fulfilling. And flow keeps it fulfilling because it gives me pause to reflect and count my victories and acknowledge my perseverance and dedication. 

Part of that reflection happens when I’m processing big thoughts or feelings, and then I blog about them, or use them as impetus for a research topic … I oscillate between personal and technical writing, even when they come to the same conclusions in different registers. I often blog before a ballet class, because it centres my thoughts and intentions. And energy flows where attention goes, as directed by intention, according to Michael Hall (2006).

About Melissa

Dr Melissa Adendorff is currently an NLP practitioner and performance coach, an aspiring returned vocational ballet dancer and instructor, and a student registered counsellor. This follows on from an established career in academia, with close to a decade of lecturing, course coordination, and curriculation, local and international conference presentations, journal article publications, and the completion of a doctorate focused on critical spatiality and bodily spatiality. 

Melissa’s current research focus is based on wellbeing and performativity in the vocational balletic paradigm, focusing on psychoeducation for dancers, their parents, and their teachers in order to prevent harmful behaviours including disordered eating and the normalisation of pain.

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References for the technical bits of the post

Arcelus, J., Witcomb, G.L., & Mitchell, A. (2014). Prevalence of eating disorders amongst dancers: A systemic review and meta-analysis. European eating disorders review, 22(2), 92-101.

Campbell, O. (2018, May 28). 'She's good but she's big': My years as a 'fat' ballerina. The Guardian.Retrieved fromhttps://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/may/28/shes-good-but-shes-big-my-
years-as-a-fat-ballerina

Hall, L.M. (2006). Meta-NLP^®– Accelerated NLP training. Clifton, OC: NSP – Neuro- Semantics Publications.

Linkenauger, S.A., Wong, H.Y., Guess, M., Stefanucci, J.K., McCulloch, K.C., Bülthoff, H.H.,Mohler, B.J., & Proffitt, D.R. (2015). The perceptual homunculus: The perception of the relative proportions of the human body. Journal of experimental psychology: General, 144(1), 103-115.

Nadler, R.S. (2011). Leading with emotional intelligence: Hands-on strategies for building confident and collaborative star performers. New York: McGraw Hill.

Nolan, B. (2011, July 20). The ideal ballet body. DANCE informa: Australian edition. Retrieved fromhttps://dancemagazine.com.au/2011/07/the-ideal-ballet-body/

Pickard, A. (20150. Ballet body narratives: Pain, pleasure and perfection in embodied identity. Oxford: Peter Lang.

Royal Academy of Dance. (2016). Specification: RAD level 2 and level 3 certificate in vocational graded examination in dance: Intermediate foundation and intermediate (ballet).London: Examinations Department; Royal Academy of Dance.

Smolak, L., & Thompson, J.K. (Eds). (2009). Body image, eating disorders, and obesity in youth: Assessment, prevention, and treatment(2^nded.). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.